I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
