Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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