My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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