I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
