Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
where am i from again
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
