She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I forget how to act sober
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize