ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I need to calm my uterus...
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
