i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
