we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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