I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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