does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
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