I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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