at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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