Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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