Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
