hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
