You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
