you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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