I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
