I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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