Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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