I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
