he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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