..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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