Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
