You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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