I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
