Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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