Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
