so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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