Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
