and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
