he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
