You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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