I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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