Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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