I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
