You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
