I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
