Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just threw up on my dentist
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Im part way to drunk.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
