I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
