Don't make out with my wife yet
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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