and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
