I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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