Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
is that a dick in a sweater?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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