I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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