he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
