I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
