Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
