I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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