I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I'm passing your future prison.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
