hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
