i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
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