I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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