I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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